Ed,

 

I can’t get my kids to behave for a family portrait. They’re squirming, making goofy faces, and looking the wrong way. What can I do to make them sit still and smile for the camera?

 

Angry Mom

 

Dear Angry,

How far are ya willin’ ta go? If ya killed ’em and took ’em to one o’ them taxidermist fellers, you’d have ’em sittin’ just how ya want ’em. If you’d rather not kill ’em, maybe you could kill the photographer instead? That’d get their attention. Tell ’em they’re next unless they straighten up an’ fly right. ‘Course, then ya ain’t got no one ta take the picture for ya, so that might be a problem… although, if ya wait ’till the photographer sets up the shot, then ya kill ‘im, ya should be all set. Just don’t tell ‘im yer gonna do it, ’cause he prob’ly ain’t gonna set up the shot for ya if he knows it’s comin’.

 

Dear Ed,

 

What’s the point of Allen wrenches?

 

Phillips from Phippsburg

 

Dear Phillips,

Good question! There ain’t one, really. Some guy named Allen invented ’em in the 80s. He worked in a hardware store, and no one would talk to him, so he invented these crazy bolts with weird heads on ’em and then assemble stuff with ’em. If people needed ta fix what they bought, they’d never have the right tool fer it, since Allen built everything with them crazy bolts. And so then they’d hafta come talk ta Allen an’ get him ta fix it fer ’em with the special wrench he’d made. Someone finally got the wrench from ‘im (they wrenched it from ‘im… get it?) an’ made more copies of it. So Allen wrenches are still a pain in the butt, but at least ya ain’t gotta talk ta Allen no more.

 

Ed,

 

How does the rhyme about beer and liquor go? I plan on doing some heavy drinking in the near future, and I fear it’s rather gauche to consume alcoholic beverages in the wrong order.

 

Politely Pickled in Princeton

 

Dear Politely,

Can’t say I blame ya, bub. Ya ain’t s’posed ta do no drinkin’ unless ya know the rhyme fer yer drink o’ choice. Fer yours, the rhyme goes: “Beer ‘n’ liquor go great together. Which comes first? Don’t matter… whatever.”

 

Dear Ed,

 

What does the Easter Bunny have to do with the resurrection of Jesus?

 

Holy in Hollis

 

Dear Holy,

Back in th’ day, Jesus an’ the Easter Bunny was arch-rivals. Jesus was the best detective in the land. The Easter Bunny was some kinda bank robber or sumthin’. He’d leave a chicken egg or some jelly beans at the scene of every crime ta taunt Jesus, ’cause every criminal genius, deep down, really wants to get caught. Anyways… Jesus was finally about ta catch th’ Easter Bunny when the Romans got ‘im. Even though they wasn’t friends, the Easter Bunny always respected Jesus as an adversary, and so to this day, he’ll still leave eggs and whatnot at the scene of his crimes.

 

By the way, if ya find any eggs or peeps or jelly beans on yer property this year, it means the Easter Bunny’s been stealin’ from ya. Happy Easter!

 

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