Hey Ed,

I just found out Charlie Sheen only has one speed. I’ve known for a while that I have multiple speeds… somewhere around 15 (although some of my gear combinations actually repeat the precise amount of mechanical advantage I deliver, so I guess technically it’s fewer than 15). What I’m wondering is, is there a way to whittle down the speeds I never use, and streamline myself to a single, optimal speed? And if so, which speed do you recommend?

Bicycle Jim

Dear Bicycle,

I shouldn’t hafta answer this, but I’ll tell ya anyway… the best speed is always yer top speed, which, in yer case, is 15. Now, since not movin’ and movin’ are actually two separate speeds, yer gonna hafta eliminate not movin’ from yer repertoire, and jus’ move all the time, maintainin’ yer top speed, no matter what gets in yer way. Charlie uses tiger blood ta do this, but tiger blood’s expensive an’ it don’t work the same fer everyone. Ya might also try Ajax an’ Sudafed. That seems ta work alright fer some folks. Actually… that’s tiger blood, ain’t it? Tiger blood it is, then.

 

Dear Ed,

I guessed correctly on ten of the Academy Awards. How well did you do?

Oscar

Dear Oscar,

I ain’t the sorta guy who makes guesses. I either know somethin’ or I don’t. An’ considerin’ I know a good deal ’bout most things, it ain’t too often that I don’t have an answer fer sumthin’. I happen ta know some fellers inside the Academy – literally… I mean they’re actually inside the computers that tally all them votes – so I already knew who was winnin’ before the show came on. Since it’s already happened, an’ I gotta protect my sources, you’ll just have ta take my word fer it.

 

An’ put some clothes on, fer cryin’ out loud! Yer hind end’s out where everyone can see it.

 

Ed,

We’re doing some spring cleaning and getting rid of some stuff. Do you know anyone who’d like a Sony 27” CRT television?

George

Dear George,

Sorry, bub. I know a 27” CRT who’d like an owner named George, but it sounds like ya got yer own problems. Some things weren’t meant t’ be, I s’pose.

 

Ed,

I want another beer, but the kitchen is all the way over there and I’m really comfortable in this chair. What should I do?

Lazy Larry

Dear Lazy,

Ya got a kid, ain’t ya? Get them ta do it. If ya ain’t got a kid, then ya might hafta call the fire department or yell really loud until someone helps ya out. In the future, consider gettin’ one o’ them little fridges you can keep nexta yer chair. Or get some wheels on that chair. Next question is, what happens when ya gotta relieve yerself? If ya played yer cards right, there should be some empty bottles kickin’ around that you could use.

 

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