Dear Ed,

Recently, you told one of your readers that it was alright to murder me because I am a soulless machine. That really wasn’t very nice. I never harmed anyone. At least not anyone who is still alive. Now this crazy human has torn me to pieces and thrown every piece into a fire. It really hurt because I was so happy for her.



Dear Cakegal1234,

My bad. I only figured you was soulless ’cause ya lied about havin’ cake, when there weren’t no cake to be had. That’s pretty mean, ya gotta admit. Seriously… who lies about cake? Anyways, sorry ’bout the whole murderin’ thing. Hopefully ya ain’t been replaced by a way dumber machine.


Dear Ed,

I smoked something I found in a wooden box. Now I really want some Peanut Butter M&Ms. Do you have any?

Peckish in Presque Isle


Dear Peckish,

Nope, sorry. I got some o’ them ol’ fashioned Peanut ones, but not the new-fangled Peanut Butter ones. Time sure are changin’, ain’t they? Time was, if someone told me they could mash peanuts inta butter an’ stuff ’em inside a candy shell, Id’a told ’em to “phone home.”


Dear Ed,

My HOSE believes that I am obsessed with Mad Libs. Have you ever heard anything so MINISCULE? I don’t even know where she gets such an SHAMPOO. It’s not like I go around SPELUNKING various words. Can you offer me any GRAPEFRUIT on how to set her OCELOT at ease? If not, I may just PUSSYFOOT.

Thanks for your STRING,




Only time I heard anythin’ more miniscule than that was when this flea I knew thought he had ta sneeze, but didn’t. I told him ta stare at a light, but it weren’t happenin’.

Now, as fer yer word spelunkin’… ya might just wanna go ahead an’ pussyfoot on outta there. Once an ocelot gets set off, ain’t no amount of grapefruit gonna help in that situation. An’ yer welcome… anytime ya need any string fer yer hose, or anythin’ else, fer that matter, don’t be afraid ta CROCHET me.


Dear Ed,

The preview for “Mr. Popper’s Penguins” really makes me question my love of penguins. I mean, I forgave them for “Happy Feet” and that other penguin movie that happened around that time. But really? It’s like penguins don’t even care about integrity anymore. It just pisses me off.

Frustrated in Farmington


Dear Frustrated,

That ain’t even a question. But I hear ya… penguins ain’t what they used ta be. Opus… now there was a penguin worth his weight in herring!