It’s Sunday again… that means it’s time for another installment of Devil’s Edvocate, where Ed the Bell answers your questions the only way he knows how: with poor grammar. And listen… if Ed offends your sensibilities in any way while you’re reading his column, remember; he’s a talking bell. With a moustache.

-Luke-

Dear Ed,

Should men wear capri pants? Let me rephrase; is it morally right for men to wear capri pants?

Krister

Dear Krister,

O’ course it ain’t morally right for men to wear capri pants, but since when did men with morals wear capri pants anyhow? If yer worried about it, then yer not cut out to wear ’em. If, on the other hand, yer a socio-path, then go ahead an’ expose those ankles, bub.

Hey, Ed,

Give it to me straight. What do you think about The Straight Dope?

Cheers,

Peter

Dear Peter,

I assume yer talkin’ about that square feller I been hangin around with… Not Ballcap, the slouchy one… Sam. Yer right, Peter… he is kinda dopey. But he means well, so he’s good people, I s’pose. He’ll do okay as long as he’s got me around to knock some sense into ‘im on occasion. I wish he’d quit mopin’ all the time, though. If he keeps slouchin’ like that, his back’ll freeze up on ‘im.

Dear Ed the Bell,

Do you know a place where I can get some extra hands?

Thanks,

Mike

P.S. – Are you going to give what’s-his-face his mustache back?  I think it looks better on you.

Dear Mike,

How many hands ya need, anyway? Take care o’ the ones ya got already, bub. Don’t be stickin’ ’em in places ya shouldn’t, like sharks’ faces and nuclear reactors an’ whatnot.

If yer still insistin’ on needin’ some extra hands, I hear you can get ’em on eBay sometimes. Or half.com, but they only sell ’em a finger ‘r two at a time. You’ll have to piece ’em together yerself.

As fer yer last question… it do look better on me, don’t it? Finders Keepers, bub. Them’s the rules.

Dear Ed,

So yesterday this dude comes up to me and asks me, all hypothetical like, what I would do if I had a million dollars; would I keep it, share it with my friends and family, or give it all to charity. So I, tool that I am, said I’d give it all to charity- only to find out he wasn’t being hypothetical and he gave me a suitcase full of money. So anyway, I’m wondering what to do – like how I can get out of blowing my wad on a bunch of starving children or literacy campaigns without looking like a total douche. What say you?

Love,

Bigwad

Dear Bigwad,

Here’s what ya do… start a charity where ya put kids to work fer an honest livin’. Like makin’ ball bearin’s ‘r somethin’. Them kids ain’t gonna learn nuthin’ ’bout the value o’ charity unless they work fer it, so that’s pretty much the best charity you can do fer ’em.

An’ everybody needs ball bearin’s, so you’ll be makin’ yer wad back an’ then some. It don’t have t’ be ball bearin’s, necessarily. Could be wallets, ‘r toys fer other kids… somethin’ nice like that. People’ll thank ya fer givin’ their kids somethin’ t’ do. Better’n playin’ video adventures all day, or watchin’ the Pokemon.

Share