It’s Sunday! That means its time for Devil’s Edvocate, an advice column featuring everyone’s favorite wise-cracking bell with a mysterious accent! Each Sunday, Ed will take a handful of your questions, loyal reader, and answer them in front of everyone else, hopefully in an embarrassing way. If Ed didn’t get to your question this time around, don’t be sad… he will get to it another Sunday, so stay strong for him, okay?

-Luke-

Ed,

My wife’s sister is coming to stay with us for a week. She is bringing her four children. I like to visit my nieces and nephews, but I’m not sure I’ll survive a week with them in my house. Any suggestions?

A Worried Uncle

Dear Worried Uncle,

Yer wife’s sister’s got a house of her own, right? Go stay there for a week. Chances are it’ll be nice and relaxin’, since her and the kids are off visitin’ folks. Then, if ya feel like doin’ some visitin’ yerself, drop by yer own house fer a bit, and see how things are goin’ with those neices an’ nephews. Treasure those moments, bub… they grow up real fast.

The kids, I mean… not the moments.

Ed,

My wife and I recently welcomed the birth of our second child, a daughter. Our son, who is 2 years old, is extremely jealous of all the attention that the new baby is receiving. I mean, who gives a crap, am I right?

Doting Dad

Dear Dotin’ Dad,

Yer absolutely right… no one gives a crap. You think yer special ’cause ya made another kid or somethin’? Maybe if you lived in China, ya would be. But here in the United States of Ed, ya ain’t impressin’ no one.

Wait… do ya live in China?

Dear Ed:

I read in a book about making your own non-toxic household cleaners that you shouldn’t mix baking soda and vinegar because it produces toxic fumes. But when I read up on the resulting chemical reaction, I found that the end products are water, carbon dioxide, and sodium acetate. Sodium acetate sounded scary until I read that it is used in combination with acetic acid to form the flavoring in Lays Salt and Vinegar chips. I love those chips. So I guess my question is whether or not my sixth-grade exploding volcano project compromised the health of my classmates.

Yours,
F. Dump

Dear F. Dump

That’s some name ya got there…

Anyway, kid… I think we all know what the REAL question here is: When are ya gonna get ahold o’ some acetic acid, so’s you can make us all some Salt ‘n’ Vinegar chips? Ya mean to tell me that you found the recipe and ya ain’t made a whole whack of ’em already? The only thing hurtin’ yer classmates is that ya brought ’em a lousy volcano t’ look at, and not some free chips t’ eat.

P.S. I want that book back when yer done with it, kid.

Dear Ed,

At what point does a weasel, as the song suggests, pop? Can anything make the weasel go pop? What is the purpose of a weasel popping? Is it messy? Is it only specific kinds of weasel (like the least weasel or the mountain weasel) that can pop? Does it extend to the entire family? Can polecats and ferrets pop?

If my weasel has popped, does that hurt its resale value?

Aspiring Biologist

Dear Aspirin’ Biologist,

Are ya referrin’ to th’ nursery rhyme, or th’ 1991 hit by Brooklyn rap group 3rd Bass? Those fellers knew how t’ pop a weasel.

Gen’rally, yer average weasel’s gonna pop if ya let a monkey chase it ’round a cobbler’s bench a coupla times. If that don’t work, then ya might have t’ seal it in a vacuum tube, or some other kinda de-pressurized chamber. Microwave’ll work, too, in a pinch. All weasels pop eventually, but some are better at poppin’ than others. The mountain weasel’s great fer poppin’. Jus’ make sure ya got a bunch a towels and some Comet on ya. Them things go off like Thunder Hole durin’ a Nor’Easter!

And bub, there ain’t no resale value on a popped weasel. Ain’t nuthin’ left, really… ‘cept the memories o’ poppin’ it.

Dear Ed,

Mullets?

Krister

Dear Krister,

Does the business yer runnin’ also have a party in the back? If so, then “yessah!”

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